Begendings

"What we call the beginning is often the end.  And to make an end is to make a beginning.  The end is where we start from."
  - T.S. Eliot

I find myself at an end.  An end of many things, the end of life as I know it.  I don't have all my questions answered but I know that from here I will always be different.  The good and the bad of my past I will carry in my heart and no doubt it will shape my future.  Am I damaged because of it? Yes.  Am I more complete because of it? Yes.  Maybe I am a little worse and a little better for it. Because I've loved and I've lost...I've learned.

The end is lonely and petrifying and unfamiliar.  Yet there is a tiny peace within it.  I know that I don't want what has always been familiar yet I fear the unknown in a huge unimaginable way.  Where will I find the strength to move forward from here?  I can't go back but I don't know how to move forward either.  My sadness paralyzes me and holds me at the end.  The ache in my heart for where I have been, what I have done, what I have lost and that which I have given up makes it impossible to let go.  Though I know letting go, is the only way to begin to dull that ache and pain in my heart and repair the damage.  I need to let go...

I miss so many things and yet I want to forget so many things.  Change is what I know I need but its unwelcome at the same time.  I won't make the same mistakes again, but I'll probably make different ones.  Will I be ok? Will I learn to forgive myself and others?  That's all I want. I want to feel that peace again.  The peace of knowing you are where you are supposed to be and you are who you are supposed to be.  I don't even remember what that feels like anymore. 

So I find myself at an end.  A devastating end.  And yet I forget that after the end always comes a beginning.  So I begin to realize I am also at a beginning.  The beginning.  It too is lonely and petrifying and unfamiliar, yet in a tiny, barely recognizable way.....its thrilling!  While I may never stop hurting or aching from my past, I get to start over.  I get to change.  I get to move on.  I get to let go.  I can be whoever I want from here.  A new beginning.  All I have to do is take a step forward. And I know I must go it alone, no pushing or pulling from anyone.  Just strength of my own will and heart to move on. 

To my past, goodbye.  I'll miss you. I'll hate you.  I'll cherish you. And I'll learn from you.  Your memories will always be with me but I am leaving you behind.  This is the end of you.  This is the end of you and I. This is the end.

To my future, hello.  I don't know you yet, but I'd like to.  I might be shy at first but I ache for the changes you will bring me.  Please be kind and I don't break me.  I need you.  I need you to breathe life into this new beginning.  This is the start of us and our beginning.  This is the beginning.

So here's to the fear and the hope in the moment when Life Happens to end and begin. May I find that peace I'm searching for soon enough...

(To my loved ones, friends and dear hearted strangers who have followed me along the way, I wanted to let you know that this will be my last post on this blog.  This too has come to an end.  So if you would still like to read my words, and I hope you do, please go to my new blog: http://mandyslifehappensagain.blogspot.com/  And please be patient, as my heart and my new blog are still under construction.  But I promise my new beginning will bring life to it soon enough.  Thank you for being a part of it.)