Begendings

"What we call the beginning is often the end.  And to make an end is to make a beginning.  The end is where we start from."
  - T.S. Eliot

I find myself at an end.  An end of many things, the end of life as I know it.  I don't have all my questions answered but I know that from here I will always be different.  The good and the bad of my past I will carry in my heart and no doubt it will shape my future.  Am I damaged because of it? Yes.  Am I more complete because of it? Yes.  Maybe I am a little worse and a little better for it. Because I've loved and I've lost...I've learned.

The end is lonely and petrifying and unfamiliar.  Yet there is a tiny peace within it.  I know that I don't want what has always been familiar yet I fear the unknown in a huge unimaginable way.  Where will I find the strength to move forward from here?  I can't go back but I don't know how to move forward either.  My sadness paralyzes me and holds me at the end.  The ache in my heart for where I have been, what I have done, what I have lost and that which I have given up makes it impossible to let go.  Though I know letting go, is the only way to begin to dull that ache and pain in my heart and repair the damage.  I need to let go...

I miss so many things and yet I want to forget so many things.  Change is what I know I need but its unwelcome at the same time.  I won't make the same mistakes again, but I'll probably make different ones.  Will I be ok? Will I learn to forgive myself and others?  That's all I want. I want to feel that peace again.  The peace of knowing you are where you are supposed to be and you are who you are supposed to be.  I don't even remember what that feels like anymore. 

So I find myself at an end.  A devastating end.  And yet I forget that after the end always comes a beginning.  So I begin to realize I am also at a beginning.  The beginning.  It too is lonely and petrifying and unfamiliar, yet in a tiny, barely recognizable way.....its thrilling!  While I may never stop hurting or aching from my past, I get to start over.  I get to change.  I get to move on.  I get to let go.  I can be whoever I want from here.  A new beginning.  All I have to do is take a step forward. And I know I must go it alone, no pushing or pulling from anyone.  Just strength of my own will and heart to move on. 

To my past, goodbye.  I'll miss you. I'll hate you.  I'll cherish you. And I'll learn from you.  Your memories will always be with me but I am leaving you behind.  This is the end of you.  This is the end of you and I. This is the end.

To my future, hello.  I don't know you yet, but I'd like to.  I might be shy at first but I ache for the changes you will bring me.  Please be kind and I don't break me.  I need you.  I need you to breathe life into this new beginning.  This is the start of us and our beginning.  This is the beginning.

So here's to the fear and the hope in the moment when Life Happens to end and begin. May I find that peace I'm searching for soon enough...

(To my loved ones, friends and dear hearted strangers who have followed me along the way, I wanted to let you know that this will be my last post on this blog.  This too has come to an end.  So if you would still like to read my words, and I hope you do, please go to my new blog: http://mandyslifehappensagain.blogspot.com/  And please be patient, as my heart and my new blog are still under construction.  But I promise my new beginning will bring life to it soon enough.  Thank you for being a part of it.)

Time...

"Time heals what reason cannot" - Seneca

The bottom dropped out....and I haven't been able to find the words to explain or to make sense of it.  Where are those words?  I pray to find them every day.  I pray for a lot of things every day.

I pray for understanding and compassion and clarity and forgiveness and answers and strength.  I find pieces of those things from time to time but it doesn't seem to be enough.  I try to hold tight to those pieces but they slip through my fingers like sand.  I need more.  Maybe that is the answer...I just needed more.

But why? Can someone please tell me why?!

Most days I feel like I'm standing still in one spot and the world is moving at warp speed around me.  So I try to move and I only seem to spin in the same spot until I get dizzy and fall down.  Luckily someone always seems to pick me up and stand me upright.  Maybe those are angels....they feel like angels.

So I stand, with tears in my eyes, pain in my chest and the realization that my heart has failed me.  How can you ever get passed that thought?  How can you move forward from there?

The consensus is Time...

Please wake me up when Time has passed and Life Happens again...

Let It Be

When I find myself in times of trouble

Mother Mary comes to me

Speaking words of wisdom, let it be

And in my hour of darkness

She is standing right in front of me

Speaking words of wisdom, let it be

Let it be, let it be

Let it be, let it be

Whisper words of wisdom

Let it be

And when the brokenhearted people

Living in the world agree

There will be an answer, let it be

For though they may be parted

There is still a chance that they will see

There will be an answer, let it be

Let it be, let it be

Let it be, let it be

Yeah, there will be an answer, let it be

Let it be, let it be

Let it be, let it be

Whisper words of wisdom

Let it be

Let it be, let it be

Let it be, yeah, let it be

Whisper words of wisdom

Let it be

And when the night is cloudy

There is still a light that shines on me

Shine on until tomorrow, let it be

I wake up to the sound of music

Mother Mary comes to me

Speaking words of wisdom, let it be

Yeah, let it be, let it be

Let it be, yeah, let it be

There will be an answer, let it be

Let it be, let it be

Let it be, yeah, let it be

Whisper words of wisdom

Let it be

Friends

"I get by with a little help from my friends." - John Lennon

To all of my beloved friends that enrich my life everyday....the words just don't do it justice, but thank you.

Thank you for making me laugh, for letting me cry, for pushing me to be better and for allowing me to be less.  It's you who make me who I am and I'm so grateful.

Friends come in many shapes and sizes but not one less important than the next.  For each of you bring something to my life and hold a place in my heart forever. 

I wonder why old friendships have faded or when new ones will blossom. I'm saddened when we lose touch or grow apart but I know it is for a reason.  Some friends are meant to be there for merely moments of your life and others you will always walk side by side with.  But each person and friendship is remembered forever in my heart and has taught me things that I will always carry with me.

To old friends I've lost along the way, I remember you and I'm thankful we shared a world at one time, however long that may have been.  And to my lifelong friends that never leave my side, I could not survive without you.  You complete my life and fill my heart with happiness everyday.  Our hearts will forever be entangled and I wouldn't have it any other way.

So remember that you are loved and appreciated beyond words. And I am forever indebted to you for all that you have given me.

Life Happens to throw you a handful of amazing people in your life and I will always be thankful and hold tight with both hands and a full heart.

Bright Side

" Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadow." - Helen Keller

Of all the lessons I've learned so far in my life (some learned the easy way, but most the hard way) I think the most important of all is to look at the bright side of things.  Its just a fact of life that things aren't always going to go as planned and some days are just plain going to be screwed up beyond belief.  But if you don't figure out how to roll with it, you'll miss out on all the fun that sneaks up on you in between the messes.

So this blog is dedicated to my dog Auto who teaches me something new everyday and reminds me all the time in all different ways to look at the bright side of things, because if I didn't I would probably lose my mind :)

So here's to Auto and what he has taught me along the way:

There is more than one way to skin a cat...or in this case, get a toy out of a bin.  Sometimes you just have to think outside of the box (or rip the box apart starting from the side.)

Let loved ones in because it's always better to have a companion in the ride of life...even if they cramp your style sometimes or you don't always see eye to eye on things like who rides shotgun...

Never underestimate the importance of a good nights sleep (even if you have to steal someone's pillow to get it.)

Surround yourself with loved ones because when you do, everyday feels like a welcome home party...sometimes there is even confetti (or what looks suspiciously like pieces of the ball you bought yesterday).

So try your best to see the good in all situations because otherwise you'll just end up broke, miserable, tired and lonely.  Life is good and there is something to be happy about everyday, you just have to look for it and let yourself smile about it no matter what!

(And if that doesn't work, get yourself a dog and you'll learn really quick not to let things get you down when Life Happens to surprise you).  :)

Faith

"Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies." - Mother Teresa

To my broken hearted friend,

I know that the world seems to have crumbled around you and your heart must ache more than you ever thought possible but this letter is to tell you that it is all going to be ok...if you just keep your faith.

I know that you are going to have moments where it seems impossible and pointless to keep trying but remember that you are never alone and all you have to do is ask when you need a little help or a push start.

Don't think too much about the big stuff...just focus on one little thing at a time and then slowly move up to one day at a time. And eventually it will turn into one week and even one month at a time that you can handle.

You've never really known your own strength, but I have.  And you are plenty strong enough to make it through.  I promise you that.  And remember I am always here to pick up the slack on the hard parts.

Don't lose your faith in the world or in yourself and most importantly don't lose your faith in love.  It truely does conquer all and it will prevail.  It may not be tomorrow or next week or even next year, but in the end I promise it will.

I love and care about you more than these words could ever say, and I have faith in you and your strength so far beyond what you can see in yourself right now.  So trust me when I say that you are going to be just fine.

So here is to having faith and trusting in God that Life Happens just the way it is supposed to happen, even when you can't see why.

Your,
Forever Friend

Diet Coke Snob

"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits."

 - Unknown

So...I guess I would have to consider myself a bit of a snob when it comes to anything I eat or drink.  And its definitely not because I am super anal and picky (pick up on that sarcasm?) its just that I am generally very health conscious and spend most of my meals eating cardboard and water.  So when I do decide to jump off that wagon and enjoy some not-so-healthy food and beverage, I want it to be well worth it and taste just how I like it!  If I'm gonna do it, then I'm gonna do it right!  (And yes I am aware of my horrible dieting skills, moderation is not a word I comprehend). 

Now that you understand where I am coming from I'll explain my stupidity that arose a few nights ago...

So its Sunday night and I have some oh-so-delicious and unhealthy chinese food to eat that my wonderful H ordered.  So of course I have to wash it down with a freezing cold crispy diet coke...right?  And I LOVE my diet cokes, but I only drink a few a week and I like them to be a particular way (surprise surprise).  They have to be icy cold and either out of a can or a fountain drink.  I happen to have some cans on hand but they aren't in the refrigerator.  Crap... I'm hungry and I just refuse to eat this chinese food without my freezing cold favorite diet bev!

Now what?

Ahhh...genius...I'll put it in the freezer!! So I ask my H how long he thinks it will take for my can to get cold without freezing?  He says maybe 20 minutes.  Sweet! I can wait that long to eat for sure.  So I put my can right on the ice in the ice tray.  Mmmm....its gonna be icy cold in no time!

Now your probably thinking....oh no she forgot about it and left in there.  Nope....of course I remembered...I was hungry! So I get it out about 20 minutes later, pop that top and OH BABY its icy cold and perfect!! I dish up some orange chicken, fried rice, and an egg roll and go to town on my meal!! Delicious!! 

But about half way through my meal...I think oh crap I might want a second diet coke, so no problem...I'll just pop another one in the freezer.....bad move.  So I finish my plate...and go on with my lazy Sunday night enjoying my full belly. :)  Ahhh bliss...

Then about 4 hours later around 10:30 pm as I'm vegging on the couch enjoying my recorded shows and thinking about heading up and hit the sac....yep, you guessed it...

KABOOM!!!

Notice the brown slush splattered all over and the whole top of the can missing.

So the answer to the question I posed earlier is....5 hours is too long to leave your diet coke in the freezer.  Idiot!! 

After I get up from hitting the deck (because I was sure a shot gun had just gone off) I realize it was that damn second can of diet coke!! Noooooo!!! So I creep over to the freezer and open the door to find a war zone of diet coke slushy on and in EVERYTHING!!!

FML.

So the moral of the story is...Life Happens...in the effing freezer if you leave your diet coke in there for 5 hours!!!!